it's 11:56pm. my window doesn't close all the way, i think because the first few minutes after i moved into this place, mom and dad and i opened the windows and proceeded to struggle closing them for twenty minutes. it makes for a chillier bedroom and a less soundproof experience, but i wouldn't change it even if i had the wd40 to loosen up the rails. because at 11:59pm i patter to the window, halfway through brushing my teeth to search for the source of who is singing this beautiful rendition of ain't no mountain high enough by marvin gaye. 3 chic women, and a man they don't know, singing their hearts out in the middle of the snow while cars drive through the slush.
there's this man i spotted shoveling snow on the street as i look out my window. he's dressed really nicely, a bowler hat and ushanka combo headpiece and a gray, almost black trenchcoat and black gloves. i only spotted him at 9:00pm when M called me and i paced around my room while we talked. a few minutes pass, and another man wearing a bright yellow safety vest walks by him and passes him a fistbump. it's clear this isn't his job, he's just doing this out of the goodness of his own heart. one shovel of snow at a time.
back to 11:56pm -- i've spent the past few hours sitting on the couch, but he's still there, relentless. beautiful. is there a greater gesture of generosity than what this man is doing by hand on a freezing tuesday evening in the middle of february?
i looked out the window at the office and remembered the word "skyscraper." that which scrapes the sky, that which brushes the surface of the heavens. the phrase 'the sky is your limit' never really sit right with me, because how can something predefined be labeled as your limit? your limit should never be labeled, i thought. i love the concept of calling something a skyscraper. how beautiful is it that generations ago, someone looked up and thought about bringing humankind to altitudes its never seen before? and now i work on floor 28. auspicious, mom would say, i know.
three days ago i sat in devoción while the blizzard fell and fell and fell. periodically yellow taxis would roll by. breathtaking transitions between fun party songs by the weeknd blasted in my ears. S sat across from me as i warmed my hands on my sugar and spice latte. sometimes i ask the barista for their opinion and, the moment they start speaking, start feeling guilty because i knew in my heart i was going to choose the thing that wasn't what they recommended me. it's like how they suggest you do a coin flip to figure out which of two decisions you really want, because the reaction you have in your gut to whatever the coin falls on tells you how you really felt about that choice in the first place.
i learned that the quote unquote emergency exit on the subway requires you to wait for 20 seconds before it unlocks to prevent people from fare hopping. my heart fluttered a little seeing an older man wait patiently with his grocery cart while the seconds ticked by and the alarm beeped, him knowing the station like the back of his hand probably, and two sweet tourists attempting to push the door open for him, unfamiliar. i love new york city so much. on the same block, on the same subway car, in the same bodega people from all corners of the world gather to experience their share of this worldly city. the people make the city just as much as the city makes the people.
i forgot how much i wanted this life as a little girl. i promised myself one day i'd spend time living in new york in my early twenties, dancing while making dinner as snow fell outside. it is so so beautiful here, every corner i turn holding the promise of a new adventure. there was a pin i saw last semester when i was daydreaming in my dorm -- it said something like: there are new yorkers born all over the world. they come to the city, and that's when it hits them that they've finally returned home.
my first week living here and i am saying yes to at least one new thing every day that i would typically say no to. the better part of the week was spent doing workout classes. i went to pilates and was made painfully aware of my upper abs. i thought about my bare feet touching the foot bar for far too much of it. i visited H on roosevelt island and met G. we laughed about cryptic emails and falling asleep. he gave me his free coffee punch card reward and i felt considered for. i went to barre and made small talk with the instructor J while i stared out at the gloomy sky on the eighth floor. my legs shook like never before but i saw how elegant every woman was around me, and it only reminded me to carry myself with my chin higher. barre brought out the best of the workout classes, the ones where i'm having such a difficult time physically that it coaches me mentally to push through. whole foods and cvs met their newest neighbor. i went to F45, a strength and cardio class that traumatized my muscles. 20 exercises, 3 laps, 60 minutes made for an extremely sweaty time. was grateful for J for showing me how to property kettlebell swing. L was visiting and i saw her for the first time in 6 years at cafe-flor. i met her friends and it was such a colliding of worlds. went to narkara and met A and S. sassy waiters with unnecessary commentary was both comical yet a bit ??ing. a bit too much money for a bit too little food. peed THRICE it was so spicy. tompkins square bagels was greeted with the typical indecision of the morning hours. my first day of work was made unforgettable by a fifteen minute trek stomping through the blizzard looking for at least one place that was open for lunch business. second, by naya.
i'm mere hours away from jumping out my bed to take on the next beautiful day. i'm so exhausted already but beauty is what is most invigorating to my soul. is my soul the same entity as my brain? today, i claim no.